you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
