Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
