Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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