I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Drake has all the answers
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
