I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
