Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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