I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
