Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
