Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
