In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
