I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize