I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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