i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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