after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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