I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
