Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
