It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
