That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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