toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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