Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize