We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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