meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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