I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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