OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
