you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
