I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
