k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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