he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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