i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
