i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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