remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
