I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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