My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
