I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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