Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
