I think im going to throw up on grandma
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
