I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
