Apparently you make a good broom.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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