Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
