I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize