dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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