I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
