I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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