Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
