i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
