I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
