i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
