I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
