saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
