i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
