I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
