Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
