**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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