you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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