Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
