What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
