I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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