I wish they made helmets for livers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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