I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
