awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
