giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
