smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
