you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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