Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
